♕ |[42]| Methought I heard one calling, Child! And I replied, My Lord.

[had_not_lived]

[VOICE;]

[No preamble, just a deep breath, and then...]

Father, father, where are you going?
O do not walk so fast.
Speak, father, speak to your little boy
Or else I shall be lost.

The night was dark, no father was there,
The child was wet with dew.
The mire was deep, & the child did weep,
And away the vapor flew.

[Long pause, the faint flutter of pages turning.]

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another's throats.

Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you cam,
And don't have any kids yourself.

[Another pause, and he clears his throat quietly, a little embarrassed at using that kind of language on the Network, but, well. This is poetry and he has a point. Softer, now;]

Sundays too my father got up early
and put his clothes on in the blueblack cold,
then with cracked hands that ached
from labor in the weekday weather made
banked fires blaze. No one ever thanked him.

I'd wake and hear the cold splintering, breaking.
When the rooms were warm, he'd call,
and slowly I would rise and dress,
fearing the chronic angers of that house,

Speaking indifferently to him,
who had driven out the cold
and polished my good shoes as well.
What did I know, what did I know
of love's austere and lonely offices?

[There's another moment's pause, as though he's going to say something else, before Neil thinks the better of it and cuts off the recording with a click.]

Comments

[had_not_lived]

...That there isn't any chance for it to get any better between us. I'm not going home. I can't.

[chosered.livejournal.com]

[A very noted pause]

What happened?

[had_not_lived]

I did something rash and stupid, because I didn't think I had a choice.

[chosered.livejournal.com]

And now what would you say?

[had_not_lived]

That I'm better off now, here, though I still think I don't deserve to be.

That I hope he forgives me someday.

[chosered.livejournal.com]

[There's another pause]

Would you like to get a drink?

[had_not_lived]

[A pause in return.]

I don't usually, but-- sure.

[chosered.livejournal.com]

All right. I'll pay.

[had_not_lived]

Nice of you. Where?

[chosered.livejournal.com]

Where do you recommend?

[had_not_lived]

Honestly? I've only ever been to the Blue Light.

[chosered.livejournal.com]

Then we'll go there.

bb do you want to action? <3 <3 <3

[had_not_lived]

All right, I'll meet you there in... fifteen?

You know I just closed my eyes, my whole world disappeared;

[chosered.livejournal.com]

[Kenny is waiting, patiently. He's wearing clothes that should be familiar to Neil - they're sort of early 1960s casual - and he's sitting just outside the Blue Light on one of the benches that Blue set out for smokers]

You know I just closed my eyes, my whole world disappeared;

[had_not_lived]

[Neil doesn't go out all that often-- and less often alone, but he makes a habit of trying not to turn down invitations. It's a philosophical thing. He seems in decent spirits when he shows up, only slightly subdued, and though they haven't set an exact spot to meet his gaze settles pretty quickly on Kenny (because, really, there's a certain air of one's origins that one never quite shakes, even in the City,) and he waves tentatively.]

You know I just closed my eyes, my whole world disappeared;

[chosered.livejournal.com]

[Kenny waves back and stands, ridiculously tall, stuffing a piece of paper into his pocket.]

Hi, Neil.

[He sort of makes a nod towards the door of the Blue Light]

You know I just closed my eyes, my whole world disappeared;

[had_not_lived]

Hey.

[He nods in return and heads for the door, pacing Kenny, hands in his pockets.]

Been here before?

You know I just closed my eyes, my whole world disappeared;

[chosered.livejournal.com]

A couple of times, yes.

[He itches the side of his nose with one long finger, unselfconscious.]

Vermont, right? What was your plan, after high school?

You know I just closed my eyes, my whole world disappeared;

[had_not_lived]

Harvard, [he answers almost immediately, not because he feels any draw but because even now the answer is drilled into him.] And medical school. It wasn't my plan, though. [His voice drops a little lower, and he smiles in an oddly distant manner.] My father's.

You know I just closed my eyes, my whole world disappeared;

[chosered.livejournal.com]

[Kenny's eyebrows raise just slightly]

What did you want to do?

You know I just closed my eyes, my whole world disappeared;

[had_not_lived]

You know, for a long time I hardly thought about having a choice. [A pause.] I wanted to act. He didn't approve of that at all, though; he never let me, and when I went and did it anyway without his permission... He... [There's a certain delicacy here,] didn't take disobedience well.

You know I just closed my eyes, my whole world disappeared;

[chosered.livejournal.com]

[Kenny is listening as he orders two scotch on the rocks, because he's like that]

And read poetry?

Not a very doctorly hobby.

You know I just closed my eyes, my whole world disappeared;

[had_not_lived]

[It suits him fine, Neil's really the sort to drink what everyone else is, when he does at all.]

No, not really. The poetry, our English teacher got us into. He's the first one that ever made it seem like there was more to school than just... you know. Getting perfect grades and being whatever we were supposed to be.

You know I just closed my eyes, my whole world disappeared;

[chosered.livejournal.com]

My English teacher was sort of the same. He used to talk about the red scare, and immortality, and...

[Kenny smiles]

They make a difference.

You know I just closed my eyes, my whole world disappeared;

[had_not_lived]

It changed my life,

[he agrees, without a trace of irony. Neil doesn't blame anyone but himself for things going wrong.]

So, here... That's what I do, all the things I wanted to and couldn't.