♕ |[64]| through me to some me not yet there who i suppose is you

[had_not_lived]

The first time the City turned me into someone I wasn't-- still me, but a me who isn't and never could be real-- was a few months, I guess, after I first came here. I hadn't realized before then what that could be like. Believing a whole other lifetime. I remember I acted like an ass afterward. I was embarrassed about being cursed, I guess, or about being cursed and thinking I wasn't cursed. And though I didn't like to say it-- I still don't, to tell you the truth-- I was kind of jealous of my other self. The curse itself was almost nice; it was the aftermath that stung.

I've been thinking about it a lot since it happened again this month-- once to me, and to other people as well, though not necessarily the same way. I've been in the City for two years now-- it was two years in April-- and this time, it didn't bother me nearly as much. Maybe that's because I didn't feel the loss as keenly; or maybe I'm just getting used to the City, to waking up and not knowing who I am. In any case curses don't last forever. No troubles do; if I'd understood that, I guess I wouldn't be here now.

I don't mean to say we should or could just brush things aside like they don't matter... I just hope no one's been hurt too badly, with everything that's happened. Those last few, especially.

The weather's been beautiful, and I think the City's as normal as it ever is. That won't last, either, of course, which is a shame; but maybe it's better not to think about it. I think I'll walk in the park today.

Comments

[renegare.livejournal.com]

Two years caged. And you're alive.

[had_not_lived]

I don't think of it as being caged, though I understand why a lot of people do.

[renegare.livejournal.com]

A prouder animal would choose suicide.

1/2

[had_not_lived]

[had_not_lived]

You don't know what you're saying.

[renegare.livejournal.com]

I know what I'm implying.

[had_not_lived]

I don't think I have anything to say to you.

[mumbled_truth]

Maybe it is because you've been here longer now; because you have a life here.

[Though he manages to say "you" instead of "we," the implication is undoubtedly clear.]

[had_not_lived]

I think that's part of it, at least.

[mumbled_truth]

Well... whatever it is, I'm glad for it. That you're not bothered by it as much.

[had_not_lived]

It goes to show I would've made an awful doctor.

[mumbled_truth]

You didn't seem awful.

But... more importantly, you didn't seem happy.

[had_not_lived]

I wasn't, not really. It sounds a little callous, but I think that's part of why it wasn't as upsetting, too. That wasn't ever who I wanted to be.

[chosered.livejournal.com]

I didn't think most people apologized for curses.

[had_not_lived]

There usually isn't a reason for it. I mean, everyone knows curses are just curses.

[chosered.livejournal.com]

That's right.

[had_not_lived]

But sometimes it helps. Or sometimes we can't help ourselves.

[chosered.livejournal.com]

Is it helping now?

[had_not_lived]

I'm not apologizing for anything.

[adamantined]

Curses are stupid, no matter how used to them you get.

You don't have anything to be jealous of.

[had_not_lived]

I don't feel jealous now, really. Maybe because I've got a life I love here. But... I do have regrets. I can't say I don't. That made it hard to get over it, at the time.

[adamantined]

It's a nice change of pace for someone to say they actually like their life here.

[had_not_lived]

I know it's pretty rare.

[adamantined]

But at least it's not impossible.

[had_not_lived]

Are you happy here, Claire?